A brand new beggining. This is weird, i feel old for this idiotic things, i have twenty four years for God sake! And i'm about to start college again... soon. I feel afraid, i have been out of practice for a long time, im not used to do nothing, to know nothing... to start like a crawling baby, without any orientation. This is gonna be tough for me, being sourrounded by a bunch of teenagers, getting fresh from scholl, full of knowledge. I envy their luck, those fucking bastards. Sigh... i have to say, i feel excited at the same time... i do love to read, to write, to do some research, i love to have some responsabilities that keep my brain bussy, i dont know why, but i guess i have a point for me wich is nice. Oh God! i can not wait any longer.
Entradas
I feel empty, with just somehing in my chest... and i just don't know what it is. Maybe is it sadness? Maybe it is hope? Maybe it is the fear of knowing the lost that im going to regret? I Just Don't Know. I am a paradox right now. "Its like im always causing problems, causing hell" I will dream about you if i can get any sleep, nights are longer without you by my side. I want to cry, but i got no reasons to. I want to scream that i don't love you, but when you toch me, this emptiness fades away... i want to kiss you and think everything it's alright, How can you make me feel like this? Under your spell. i'm going to end mad because of you. i fucking hate how much i love you right now.
Song Verse III
"Do you really want... Do you really want me? Do you really want me dead, Or alive to torture for my sins? Or alive to live a lie?" 30 Seconds to Mars Hurricaine
This Post is For You
I shouldn't be feeling like this, not at this moment, not now, i'm fucking nervous. It's idiotic, i cannot help but smile, and i like it that way. It was just a test, at the very beginning i was confident about my conclusions for people like you, and at the end i kept a silent mouth, what can i say? i was surprised, astonished that you were not afraid for even talking to a catalogued "freaky" like me. That was so confusing for me... And of course... not a lot of people have been this far in a conversation with me. I panicked, What the hell do i do now? Keep going maybe? Give it a shot? When i got home that night, i laid down in my bed, closed my eyes and said "Holy shit, i'm an asshole" for believing i could actually make a friend. This is just not ordinary. I guess anything in my life is. Time pass by, and i figure it out how to feel more confortable around you, break through a lot of paradigms i had about myself, that i didn't know i
I did not want to admit it but... i am afraid. I mean... why would i be? There's an answer for that, i will not give an extensive explanation, but there it is, scratching underneath my skin, within my brain. I'm afraid of losing something that i dont even know if it's real, and i don't want to figure it out. I'm afraid of beign hurt, i am afraid because of you.
I was asleep last night, rolling in my bed, getting tangled between the sheets... Why are my thoughs so desperately to know more about you? I dont know if i should feel right about this... my heart widens everytime i think of your face..., of your voice, it just melts me. A wild fucking smile appears with no reason to stay... but it does. Who the fuck am i right now? What have you done to me? Without even knowing, you own my heart, its beating between your hands, and yet you are not capable to see what it's growing inside. And here i am... with my eyes staring at the ceiling, I don't want to sleep, i'm afraid of being chase by you laugh even in my dreams.
Note 1
For a while, just for a while... i thought that maybe things was getting better, but like every jubilant moment of my life, it has to fade away. Maybe i am the one who is wrong, maybe everything its my fault for making atrocious decisions, but if by making them brings a slight smile to my world, i will keep doing it, until my heart collapse. I know it hurts, but i still dont care.